For Alex
by Anna Szilagyi
The night I came out to you
at a burger restaurant in Williamsburg,
you beamed your double-Leo light at me,
melted my fear to drops on a pint glass.
We’d agreed the playlist of mid-2000s pop
was impeccable, that it reminded us of nights
in college bars when we danced until 2 a.m.
and downed watery green tea shots.
Most of those nights, you’d ask me
to come to the bathroom with you.
Not for the usual reasons—girls being
girls, gossip and touching up lipstick––
but in a way, yes. The safety in numbers,
my presence a barricade to anyone
who might question your right to be there.
Once, a drunk girl did, shouting from the stall,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE
to your soft, buzzed hair,
your sports bra under button-up,
and I felt, maybe for the first time,
rage burn my throat like well tequila,
yelled something back that I can’t
remember, and you only laughed,
pulled me back to the pulse of bodies.
I didn’t think I would feel anything
telling you I was like you,
that you were my first queer crush,
that you were right to call me out.
But of course, I felt something.
When my mom first met you,
she called you warm, and you are.
Your instant celebration of me,
without question or pause, how you said
that our messy kiss on the bus, at the party
was young infatuation for you, too, lit me up;
our unspoken affection matured to platonic love.
The next morning, on the train,
every girl was a crush,
every hand one I might reach for
under the table at dinner,
as if you gave me permission,
released my last remaining doubts.
I saw a life I could have
outside of my own mind.
One girl tucks a strand of hair behind her ear,
rocks her lug-soled boot back and forth
along to a song playing just for her,
and I swoon the way I only had in private
before you: let in on my secret
and so bright in its presence,
holding this knowledge and me
in your infectious glow.
Anna Szilagyi is a writer and public health professional based in Brooklyn, NY. Her work has been featured in Glass: A Journal of Poetry, Luna Luna Magazine, and The Financial Diet, among others. She earned her MPH from the CUNY Graduate School of Public Health and Health Policy in December 2022 and is also a scholar of the reality television arts and sciences. You can find her on Instagram @anna_szil.