night terrors
by dana belott
1.
what knocks at me cold hard shell
of me wood of me what knocks
at me knowing what's inside i dream
of a dark blue bedroom and you guarding
the door no i dream of a dark blue door
and you shadowed in the doorway and you
standing at the foot of my bed
and you standing on my dark blue stomach
2.
the temperature in the room always cranked
up to anxious either indigo or orange
depending on how you lick your lips
on whether you look through or at me lately
it's been easy to guess i wake now a new man curled
on my mattress is he trying to escape me
in his sleep is he already at the doorway
can he feel the shadow of me the drowning
of me the clawing from my throat but let me start again
in my dreams it snows here thick heavy blankets
in my dreams you leave no footprints but are always behind
me in my dreams there is no door how could you
have gotten in here how could i
3.
the whole room is doors being knocked
down i am in the woods at twilight hiding
in sagebrush and praying morning
comes you leave deep moon
craters on my stomach the bruised
late night of me blue walls spill
like an overturned glass i am drowning you
on top of me knocking on me hollow
in my dreams i am hiding under the covers or
you are the covers and there's nowhere to hide
4.
let me start again let's say my stomach
is the door you knock on or the wall you slap
your palm against over my head
or the bed frame banging the wall let’s
say my stomach is the floor beneath
my knees or the blue light
from the tv on your unmoving
body memories evade
but sometimes i dream i was never
unsafe sometimes i dream of snow
and no one else
5.
let’s say the door is my throat and the lock
your hand around it let’s say my throat
is drowning my mattress
the ocean even when you’re not
there even when it’s been years
since you were there the deep blue
walls the locked door a new man
now curled on the other side
of my mattress and me waking
screaming let me start again
dana belott is a trans poet, multidisciplinary artist, and teacher from woodsy suburban new jersey. Their work explores ghosts, queer desire, and the body. dana’s visual art has been displayed at Rock Paper Scissors Collective in Oakland, and their poetry has been published by "Pratt Pamphlet Series" and "Philopatry". dana received their MFA from Pratt Institute after 5 years teaching creative writing in middle and high schools. They have published over 50 volumes of their students' writing and are dedicated to art-making as a community practice.